Somedays are breezy for me... I don't think about escaping from my life or reality with drugs or alcohol, because the reality is that my life has gotten pretty good relatively fast just by showing up where I am suppose to be when I am suppose to be there clean and sober.. I just need to be present and show up for it. I finally figured out why in school they did roll call every morning as the teacher questioned if we students were "Present or Absent" I thought it was funny in my smart ass way to respond "Just here." I suppose the joke was on me as I carried that philosophy from High School and into most of my adulthood. Just being here or there floating through life didn't always help my relationships, as I was mostly somewhere else in my head, or out of my head on drugs and / or alcohol.
Being self aware is a pretty common goal for most enlightened folks these days.. but becoming self aware after living so many years as an entitled asshole is a rough road to hoe. I realize now that all of my problems and issues I have with the world and the people / places / and institutions in it are exactly that. My problems and issues. Now the self entitlement kicks in... I am fucking special, should obviously have different circumstances, and when things I don't like happen to me, you should be aware of them and bend over backwards to make it right.
Does that sound as absurd to you reading it as does to write a rant about it? I struggle with this very rationale within my addict brain. What is real, what is true, what has happened to me, what should have been different in my life. There is an entitlement fight going rounds in my head everyday and I am not proud to admit that, but I am proud to identify the culprit as I stand toe to toe with him in the mirror.
The worst things that have happened to me are things I project onto the world from my very own mind. Mostly untrue (I am learning so at least) I must learn to give up control. To rely on my higher power when things are not going quite like I want them to. Good or bad. It goes both ways as I believe I don't deserve either... yes, I am really that messed up.
I am working on this internal struggle, I am working on equinimity, I am working on giving up control. It is a work in progress and will never be perfection, but that self entitled asshole & his character defects are going down round by round.
