Here is my perspective on meetings.
We come into the rooms of recovery to listen to others share & talk about where they are in their recovery today. They show us the lasagna, we eat the lasagna, but where do they actually make it?
I have come to find that I don't get sober in meetings. Even though it's common to hear others say "Meeting makers make it." Yeah they told me that one too. Until some old-timer with double digit sobriety states in a disgruntled tone, "You can't stay sober by coming to meetings alone." So I have come to realize that recovery for me happens outside of the rooms, usually with a sponsor guiding me through the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
He had me read the black parts of the book.. you know, the words. Then we do step-work, because I didn't do a lot of fearless moral inventories in treatment, jails, hospitals, handcuffs, or in meetings. I didn't gain my perspective or have long periods of meditation to reflect upon there either.
I do come in here & talk about where it was that I used to be, & where it is that I am now, which can show the progress of the program. It's kind of like a Bow-Flex commercial, you see the guy with ripped muscles & the gal with the washboard abs that say they just bought this exercise machine & watched videos of workouts in the comfort of their own home.
If you expect to watch this DVD on the couch & get buff without opening the big box with the actual equipment inside.... well it's just not gonna work that way my friend.
The reality is that I have to do some work. In the early days, people said, "You've gotta get a sponsor! You've gotta work the steps immediately!".... I say don't. Don't do the steps. Don't do shit.
Just stop drinking & using & hang out with us at meetings. Because for me to do that, things really start sucking very quickly. I get angry, irritable, & discontent.
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| "My name is Carol, I'm an alcoholic. I have 33 days sober, & life is absolutely amazing!!" |
That however is not my story, I want to see those kinds of people get beat down a little more by this behemoth. Which I suspect they will, if they are indeed an alcoholic of the hopeless variety.
Because for me, when you just take away drugs & alcohol from me it really starts to suck. Yeah, its cool for a minute when you're at
You're hanging out, going to sober picnics, the movies, or bowling to get a human connection with people again, while doing amazing things like eating, sleeping, & showering. That's all fine n' dandy but eventually I get out in the real world where it starts hurting to be me. The pain of being me while sober when you take drugs & alcohol away from me IS EXACTLY when I figure out WHY I LOVE the effects produced by drugs & alcohol.
I can only last so long. I can only get so many newcomer, 30 day, 60 day, 90 day chips. I can only have my family and friends cheer for so long "Go Jesse, Go!!" before they fade off into the doldrums of everyday existence. The 30-60-90-split. He's probably good now, he's back on his feet. I say fuck that, fuck all that shit. That fluff is only good for so long until those same friends you shared all those intimate thoughts and feelings with start getting fuckin LOADED.... because they suffer the same disease that I do.
This disease centers around my mind, I don't expect you to understand or get it. I may look fine on the outside, but my outsides rarely match the torrid storm raging on inside my head. We addicts can only go so long before we are fucking done. Because ultimately I get to live with me. Hanging out & drinking coffee with you is cool, but then I have to go home & live with me.... it's like sleeping with the enemy. You can't be with me the whole time, & besides, no one would even want that.
Eventually you come to the place where you want to
eat a gun or get high, & I chose to get high every time. Last time I thought of eating a gun or getting high I called my sponsor & told him that I wanted to get high. Something I had never done before because then I might not get high.
So, my sponsor states blatantly "No you don't" .. What? such a paradox, yes I fucking do want to get high. Again he retorted, "addicts don't call people when they want to get high, they just go & get high!" We get high best when others are telling us not to. When they tell you they are going to take something really cool away from you, like your freedom, your house, your career, your wife, your kids, or WHATEVER unless you stay sober. I still get loaded, always have. We don't need someone's permission to, we are perfectly fine doing it with our own best thinking. How the Hell do I stop doing it?!
My sponsor said we would start meeting once a week & we are going through the 12 steps. We are going to start reading through the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous , it's not going to make any sense to you, so don't try & figure it out. Once we start meeting & going through the book I'm going to give you some instructions. Do not try to figure those out either, just do what you are told.
When the ball is in my court I fuck it up. I needed the clear cut n' dried instructions. None of this weighing it out first to see if it was worth it in the end.
So, that's what I did. He gave me the assignments, I did the assignments & somewhere along the way it stopped hurting to be me. When it stops hurting to be me I no longer seek the relief that drugs & alcohol immediately provide. Because I do not need the relief because I do not suffer from the pain anymore.
That was the solution. I was told all I had to do to keep it was to come here to meetings & carry the message to the newcomer. I was also told to buy a suit. To go to court or job interviews, which isn't all that cool, but even less cool thing is you're going to wear it to a lot of funerals.
I know I am not one of the lucky ones that rides off into the sunset unscathed, because I received a debt that I can never repay. It is worth more to me that anything else. My Sobriety is the only thing no one else can take from me. I do mean the only thing.
You know when you start coming here & you've been fucking up most of your life? I would build up my life with all kinds of cool material things & the house, the bike, the woman. Then I would tear it all down giving it all away at rock bottom prices. Up & down, up & down... So I would get sober & what would I do? Start comparing myself to others, my friends, family & I'd say "I've got to make up for all this lost time I've wasted while I was out there getting loaded." So then I would work & work & work some more, building up an empire. But then guess what? I no longer feel bad about not having these material things anymore, now I've got to worry about losing them!! IT NEVER FUCKING CHANGES.
I've made money & I've made no money. I feel the SAME WAY. The only thing I know is that if I trust in a power greater than myself, clean house, & take order that today is going to be ok & tomorrow will be fine. I also know that I don't know what is good for me or for anyone else. As long as I don't fuck up too badly or hurt too many people & not worry about anything else that things generally turn out better for me. The 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous have enabled that.
