Innards

TUNE IN TO KFUC FM RADIO

There are times when being in my head is like driving through an infinite desert in the middle of the night while searching for decent radio stations to listen to. All you seem to pick up is dead air, then a crackling noise, some static, inevitably followed by a Christian talk Radio show telling you to repent or burn in Hell.

KFUC radio can be tuned in from seemingly anywhere on the planet, I have the worlds most powerful antenna right between my ears... Voices that are constantly fucking with me, berating & belittling my self worth. Telling me that I only deserve to be in agony, pain, confusion & chaos. I am not good enough to have that healthy relationship, to keep that job with a steady pay check, let alone have luxuries like health insurance, a  house of my own, or a car manufactured in this decade. I feel I will always struggle in the lower class of society but never qualify for welfare, food stamps, medicaid, or an EBT card because I essentially suffer from the disease of ignoring reality.

On the flip side of the AM/FM dial, I occasionally hear that I am doing well in life, even though I can't seem to see my life as they do. I have a close group of people that I have let into my world of recovery. From the outside, these people are supportive. On the outside these people are compassionate of my struggles. On the outside I may seem ok on the surface. On the inside, I am doing all I can do to progress and keep my demons at bay.  my outsides do not match my Insides. . . 

I am realizing that when people tell me "You are doing fine, why do you need 12 step meetings?" or "You have everything going for you, a thriving business, split custody of your beautiful daughter, and everyone who knows you, loves you!" that they probably have good intentions.  The problem I face is, that is the exact same crock of shit that my internal addict tells me when it tries to sell me that lie. The one where it says I don't have a problem anymore, and that things are good enough to go out & party again.

I am tired of hiding that my insides don't fucking match my outsides, and that is why I am vulnerable enough to write it. I have to wake up everyday  and surrender to that fact, then lay my head on my pillow sober every night after thanking a power greater than me for getting me through one more day.

I am becoming more and more aware that I can't run from myself. It wasn't that I was born with the gift of ignorance, I was cursed with the character defect of ignoring. I knew better, but it seemed much easier to check out, effectively escaping the reality of problems. Which also means that you don't have to come up with any immediate solutions. .. even if I intended to eventually.

I chose instead to escape with sex, drugs, & Rock n' Roll as the solution to numb my insides enough that it never fuckin mattered what the outside looked like. No matter the situation, the geographical location, whether it was out of joy or frustration, escape in any form fucking worked.

I use to say stupid shit like "Patience is a virtue, that I don't have time for." and "Ignoring is Bliss" while I stacked failed relationships, lost loves, unfinished plans, unpaid bills, unfilfilled promises until they all couldn't fit under that industrial sized rug I swept them under.

This is why I need endless hours of recovery, therapy, yoga, meditation, self reflection, long walks on the beach. while having limited social life & spilling my guts on this blog. In the faith that one day my insides will match my outsides and both will have progressed to a level that surpasses my wildest intentions.