Stolen Identity

While you may not even know me, I have been identifying with myself as an alcoholic / addict for a number of years now. Upon waking everyday I admit out loud that this is still the case for me as a pray to a higher power that I can be guided through another day clean & sober.

Did I have this aspiration growing up to earn my very own seat at the round table of recovery? To not be able to drink alcohol in a normal fashion? No, I did not. Though in hindsight it would seem my pathways in life were designed to make it here.
I remember the first time I was able to mutter the trembling words to another human being, "I'm a cocaine addict and I need help.." to which I received a varied reply of disbelief.. something about me being a lying fucking asshole, that I couldn't possibly be an addict, I was functioning on too high of a level..  I was however, "Just your typical run of the mill womanizer who had been caught cheating on their partner & needed an excuse.'' 

It took everything I had to finally admit this to another human being, one that I actually cared for... a lot. I was at the defined point of no return, of incomprehensible demoralization. 
I wasn't really admitting it to someone else, as much as I was finally admitting it to myself. This dark moment was to be the start of my journey into recovery. I had no idea what was to be in store for me then, I just knew I couldn't go on being spiritually bankrupt. This was in October 2011.

Though I was immediately defeated by her response, I prayed that my now former partner was actually correct & that I was the latter of the two choices. "God, I hope she's right and I'm just your typical asshole." I did not want to be an out of control addict. I had recently moved in with her from another state in a mental state of pure desperation to escape my endless drinking & cocaine binges of what had become my life in Phoenix. 

In typical addict fashion, I somehow portrayed my outside world as being completely fine. I was operating a business by day, not having legal or financial problems, in a loving long distance relationship that I had every intention on keeping perfectly intact.
So, I up and left one morning heading for Utah.. leaving behind the undesirable aspects of my life in Phoenix, bound & determined to start a new way of living once I had geographically arrived in another state. . . while this was my outward perspective I wanted you to believe, my insides did not match my outsides. My insides were tormented by the pang of unquenched addiction, withdrawals, & obsession.

Outside of 12 step meetings, outside of the rooms of recovery, outside of this blog, most outsiders would find it alarming that I of all people would self identify as a "drug addicted Alcoholic." Let alone be writing about it publicly on the internet. This is how I've been able to come to grips with life on life's terms, where I have begun to own my story. I am hopeful it can inspire & help others who may find themselves in a similar situation. 

This is what came up when I searched "Alcoholic Cartoon" 

Like many before me, I thought that the worst thing that could happen to a guy like me, was to end up an alcoholic. My life would be over as I knew it. After all, during most of my 20's casual partying & drinking were seamlessly integrated into my social life, my friendships, my dating world. First it was only on the weekends or special occasions. Next perhaps some midweek drinks for Taco Tuesday, then Whiskey Wednesday, which of course was followed by thirsty Thursday.... which was naturally topped off with eight-ball Friday.

Sundays were for nursing hangovers at the bloody mary bar, and Mondays were the day you finally swore off drinking THAT much for THAT long ever again. Until sooner or later you get introduced to the prescription wonder drug adderall, taken by cramming college students, working professionals, or stay at home fit moms with ADHD.   I was under the immediate impression that adderall was made for professional drinkers such as myself, allowing me to drink any day of the week, wake up popping (or crushing up & snorting) a few pills, functioning at work, then able to repeat the process over.

Red Bull gives your adderal wings. .. & a turbo jet propulsion system.

There seems to be a recent movement going around the various recovery circles of NOT identifying as an alcoholic or an addict after having a few years of sobriety under your belt. I find this trend fascinating & truly interesting to me as I can see the attraction of a differing status.

Article about identifying as "I am in Long Term Recovery" which allows me to function as.....

I am not for or against it at this juncture. I'm sure as I continue to progress & display new growth in recovery my knowledge base will expand allowing my views to shift. As of right now, for me personally, it could do more harm than good by not identify as an alcoholic / addict.

While I never gave this disease permission or squatter's rights to set up camp in my head, the only way I know how to expose my darkness is to shine a spotlight on it, identify it, & never take my eyes off of it until it can be properly contained. I am just not in a hurry to be labeled as something else until I figure out exactly what I currently am.

 Some wonder why I would admit that, saying "You are so much more than that, don't be so hard on yourself!"

What they don't understand, possibly what you don't understand, is I am wired differently.

Yes, I am a father, a brother, a son, a business owner/ operator, an athlete, a lover, a friend, a sponsor.

... But Addiction / alcoholism touches every part of my being. I can't be any one of those things with out recovery first & foremost.

 As soon as I stop owning my story, my story owns me.

Yes, some people recover & move away from meetings,  graduate from treatment, move into the suburbs with their chosen life partner, 2.5 kids & a dog. They may now say that they "used to be an addict" and go about their lives in complete normalcy. The problem is that I still dream of the time when I am retired, my children are grown & responsible adults on their own, so that I can go to a secluded tropical island with a wheel barrow full of hookers n blow.. 

So, nah.... I don't think I'll stop calling myself an addict anytime soon.

I will however say that I strive to be "In long term recovery from all mind altering substances"