Chemical Prisoner

... Lost in Sobriety

I usually disappear when things have have gone pretty bad or really good...So, where the fuck have I been? Sober for a chunk of time actually,  but as with most important things its about quality / not quantity. Taking away the drinks & the drugs doesn't make me a sane or even a leveled out person believe it or not. Life is challenging for all of us, I won't take your own struggles away or add that mine or any other addicts way of life is harder. We just handle it differently.

It's all very easy to get wrapped up in your own unique feelings that only you have... the shitty committee in your dome tries to portray it as something you deserve. I have to catch myself and realize he is the same fucker that suggests it wouldn't really hurt if you had that first drink or popped that one pill. After all you deserve it, it's been awhile since you royally fucked up things in your life and by this point in time you should be able to drink like a gentlemen or use like a lady.













Self awareness that you have this maniac running around in your head like hatchet man, isn't always a refreshing realization, but something I have begun to come to terms with. He's there, at the foot of my bed, seemingly for hours before I awake coming up with new & improved ways to fuck with me each day.

As I'm sitting here just one day before picking up a chip for a undisclosed amount of sobriety (let's just say that I've been here once before)  I'm frustrated... in the recovery realm they call this irritable & discontent. WTAF can I do about it ... You can be lost in sobriety,  come up with your special reason to lash out at the world.. here are some of my current favorites.

1. I work a lot & I am still poor, woe is me.
2. My daughter now calls another man her step-dad...IRL,
3. I've lost friends and customers this year, some are dead, some are still living.
4. The ultra beautiful, smart, and successful woman I GET to date has been completely booked solid with her flourishing career, and barely has had time to ride moto or pedal with me..... let alone eat tacos & chill
5. I drive not one, but two beater vehicles from the 90's with over 500,000 combined miles
6. Myself worth has been tested recently when put on a scale of importance, I don't feel its as high as it should be on the totem pole & when someone offers you a monetary amount of what they think you & the culmination of your life's work is .... well lets just say that dollar figure is a lot less money than the mileage of my cars.

*editors note: I fully realize these are 1st world "luxury problems" just casting light on how the shitty committee would have me thinking. In reality I get to have these issues due to recovery.

These are real things to me, however trivial they seem when read aloud. Which is why I write in the first place, to get these thoughts out of my head. I'm here right now admitting that I've been lost in sobriety.. what does that mean to the masses? Sobriety alone doesn't get you anywhere (well maybe the courts, your P.O., your parents, or significant other will be temporarily satisfied) you're still idle, stagnant, stuck in your old thought process, but worse yet you don't have your medicine or box of band-aids to cope with everyday life.

Dare I say it?  Yes, I think I will ....If you are a hopeless alcoholic & drug addict like me, without recovery you are fucked.

Recovery is the vehicle where I have found my true self. It moves you from just being sober to giving you the tools to not only function at life, but succeed at this shit. Keep moving.

Keep trudging the road to happy destiny.

Fear Mountin' on Fear Mountain

You know what can be scary? The fact that all I really have is some sobriety... it's not a lot of it.. not multiple years in a row.. but it's fucking mine.
It's technically all I that I have, as my daughter, my business, my family, my love life, my relationships, my condo, my vehicles, can all go away.

Things they come & go, business has ebb n flow, people leave you think you know...



Sometimes I get moments of comfort in my life, I've got food in the fridge, fuel in tank, a little money in the bank, and people around that really care. Things are seemingly going quite well. And I still feel like something is lacking..

Unless I am doing the work, no matter how good life gets on the outside, It doesn't touch whats wrong on my insides..