Lost Artifacts.

Free Will

Editors note: I found this in my drafts... written sometime late last April 2014, still unfinished & I will leave it at that, But I wanted to post it anyhow.

What a long, strange trip it's been.... at six months into this stretch of my sobriety, I feel.... I don't know, complacent? I am sort of at a loss for words on how I feel. Things are going amazingly well in most aspects of my life. Some days it feels like the longest six months of hard work in my life, other days feel like it has flown by and I don't know where the time has gone.

I try not to get too comfortable. Even though I am slowly gaining back things I had lost, or rather given away due to my addiction, I can surely lose it all just as fast. I live with my daughter in a condo that I have rented for the past 8 months now. This is pretty normal by most everyday standards, but looking back at my history I have not been self sufficient since 2005. Ever since then I have had roommates, one live in girlfriend after another, then couch surfed at friends houses, and eventually slept in a spare office of my business, mostly waking up hungover if I managed to sleep at all, barely scraping through my days.

I appreciate things now. Having food in my fridge and pantry (not just alcohol in my freezer) having my own place with two rooms for my daughter and I. Paying bills. Having responsibilities is a blessing for me, as there were times I didn't or just chose not to. I had always considered myself a functioning addict / alcoholic because I had a "job" and "friends" and a "vehicle" etc.. But really I owned a business that enabled my destructive ways, when I was hungover or up for days, I could put a sign on the door and turn off the Open sign. I really wasn't functioning at all. I realize I would not be employed for long if I wasn't self employed.

 I now hold myself more accountable, trying always to do what I say I am going to do.

"I was always judging myself on my intentions, while everyone around me judged me by my actions."

It has taken me a long time to realize I really wasn't fooling anyone around me but myself, and the only indication I received of that was when I ended up by myself.  Then after awhile of drinking and using alone, even I didn't want to be around me.

Cure for the Common Monday.

I can't help but be sad when I drop my daughter off at daycare and know I won't be the one picking her up for a couple of days. I know she is in good hands when she is away, but I always find myself hoping she is happy, content and not afraid. I am most likely projecting my own views of how I feel when I am not with my daughter. She is the bright spot of my days, giving me hope, faith, and courage to pull through to the next.

That sadness was alleviated today when I saw that my precious Rosaline Jean also thinks of me while we are temporarily apart.

Bittersweet.

Love is an Open Sore

According to the calendar, it is February 14 2015 a.k.a., my 34th Valentines day. My "condition" has left me alone the last few years on this day of love & affection. I recall my last Happy Valentines day being 2011... I have held a resentment torward celebrating this and most other Holidays ever since. Which is really holding a resentment against myself since I chose to get into questionable situations by getting loaded on whiskey, high on stimulants, distorting my reality with pornographic ideals of what it should be.

It hurts to be me at times. I am uncomfortable in my own skin, but through the ups, downs, highs, and lows, I ultimately just want middle ground. I want to be "just okay" with myself, and with any situation I find myself in. While being just ok doesn't exactly sound like I am shooting for the stars like society would want or expect, there is nothing worse than a falling star crashing down on your house. I believe equanimity is a more fitting term.

noun

1.

mental or emotional stability or composure, especially under tension or strain; calmness; equilibrium.

I am getting better at acceptance. Acceptance that my will to do things my way has put me seemingly shipwrecked on this island. But I am still angry. At who or what I don't always know. It ranges from Life, God, society, commercial fuckin holidays, my upbringing, you, and then finally full circle back to myself.

I am at the crossroads of accountability and denial. This fucking sucks. I feel betrayal, but know it is me who has betrayed myself and others.

Self awareness mixed with self induced pyschosis is the limbo I have been in between Heaven & Hell.

I realize there are people mad at me today. Some that are sad for what I have done in the past. Some who are afraid of me becoming a monster. Some that are disappointed in my choices and actions lately. I am here to say that I am also one of those people. It is arguable that there is almost no one else more down on myself than me right now. The circle of regret, shame and remorse takes it's toll for sure. Everyone else gets to leave. To shut it out, to move on. I get to stay with my mistakes and with this disease. While I know deep down I am not the sum of my faux pas, I am also not equal to my achievements. Which is another self imposed limbo.

I am not resting on my laurels this time in recovery, I am not giving up.

I strongly dislike being an addict and alcoholic today. I am tired of living with a spiritual malady. I have to choose to love myself today, before anyone else can or will. Today, I will surround myself with family, friends, and a healthy dose of Moto followed by a meeting.

This is where I leave you

Open Letter from your Alcoholic / Addict

"I am an Alcoholic / Addict. I need your help.

Don't lecture, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry at me for having Parkinsons, cancer, TB, or diabetes. Alcoholism / Addiction is a disease, too.

Don't pour out my liquor; it's just a waste because I can always find ways of getting more.

Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion of myself. I hate myself enough already.

Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent. My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful.

Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them every time.

Don't make empty threats. Once you have made a decision, stick to it.

Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily.

Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without dimension of justice.

Don't cover up for me or try in anyway to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help. I can continue to deny that I have a drinking / drugging problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking.

Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me. Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read literature and keep in touch with Al-Anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.

I love you,

Your alcoholic"