Love is an Open Sore

According to the calendar, it is February 14 2015 a.k.a., my 34th Valentines day. My "condition" has left me alone the last few years on this day of love & affection. I recall my last Happy Valentines day being 2011... I have held a resentment torward celebrating this and most other Holidays ever since. Which is really holding a resentment against myself since I chose to get into questionable situations by getting loaded on whiskey, high on stimulants, distorting my reality with pornographic ideals of what it should be.

It hurts to be me at times. I am uncomfortable in my own skin, but through the ups, downs, highs, and lows, I ultimately just want middle ground. I want to be "just okay" with myself, and with any situation I find myself in. While being just ok doesn't exactly sound like I am shooting for the stars like society would want or expect, there is nothing worse than a falling star crashing down on your house. I believe equanimity is a more fitting term.

noun

1.

mental or emotional stability or composure, especially under tension or strain; calmness; equilibrium.

I am getting better at acceptance. Acceptance that my will to do things my way has put me seemingly shipwrecked on this island. But I am still angry. At who or what I don't always know. It ranges from Life, God, society, commercial fuckin holidays, my upbringing, you, and then finally full circle back to myself.

I am at the crossroads of accountability and denial. This fucking sucks. I feel betrayal, but know it is me who has betrayed myself and others.

Self awareness mixed with self induced pyschosis is the limbo I have been in between Heaven & Hell.

I realize there are people mad at me today. Some that are sad for what I have done in the past. Some who are afraid of me becoming a monster. Some that are disappointed in my choices and actions lately. I am here to say that I am also one of those people. It is arguable that there is almost no one else more down on myself than me right now. The circle of regret, shame and remorse takes it's toll for sure. Everyone else gets to leave. To shut it out, to move on. I get to stay with my mistakes and with this disease. While I know deep down I am not the sum of my faux pas, I am also not equal to my achievements. Which is another self imposed limbo.

I am not resting on my laurels this time in recovery, I am not giving up.

I strongly dislike being an addict and alcoholic today. I am tired of living with a spiritual malady. I have to choose to love myself today, before anyone else can or will. Today, I will surround myself with family, friends, and a healthy dose of Moto followed by a meeting.