Free Will

Editors note: I found this in my drafts... written sometime late last April 2014, still unfinished & I will leave it at that, But I wanted to post it anyhow.

What a long, strange trip it's been.... at six months into this stretch of my sobriety, I feel.... I don't know, complacent? I am sort of at a loss for words on how I feel. Things are going amazingly well in most aspects of my life. Some days it feels like the longest six months of hard work in my life, other days feel like it has flown by and I don't know where the time has gone.

I try not to get too comfortable. Even though I am slowly gaining back things I had lost, or rather given away due to my addiction, I can surely lose it all just as fast. I live with my daughter in a condo that I have rented for the past 8 months now. This is pretty normal by most everyday standards, but looking back at my history I have not been self sufficient since 2005. Ever since then I have had roommates, one live in girlfriend after another, then couch surfed at friends houses, and eventually slept in a spare office of my business, mostly waking up hungover if I managed to sleep at all, barely scraping through my days.

I appreciate things now. Having food in my fridge and pantry (not just alcohol in my freezer) having my own place with two rooms for my daughter and I. Paying bills. Having responsibilities is a blessing for me, as there were times I didn't or just chose not to. I had always considered myself a functioning addict / alcoholic because I had a "job" and "friends" and a "vehicle" etc.. But really I owned a business that enabled my destructive ways, when I was hungover or up for days, I could put a sign on the door and turn off the Open sign. I really wasn't functioning at all. I realize I would not be employed for long if I wasn't self employed.

 I now hold myself more accountable, trying always to do what I say I am going to do.

"I was always judging myself on my intentions, while everyone around me judged me by my actions."

It has taken me a long time to realize I really wasn't fooling anyone around me but myself, and the only indication I received of that was when I ended up by myself.  Then after awhile of drinking and using alone, even I didn't want to be around me.