This Too...

I was born into the world early in the month of May. My first experiences were the sights of lush green foliage, taking in the sweet aroma of Wild Columbine flowers or the musty scent of native mushrooms & hearing the melodies of nesting Scarlet Tanagers of rural West Virginia. 

Little did I know that after a mere 6 months of being alive, I would begin to experience my first cycle of death. Everything I had associated my life around would soon go away.. all that I had known would start to wither, die, migrate, or hibernate... they all knew it, mother nature knew it. Taking place of the sun's warmth would be the wind chilled kiss of winters darkness.

Why can't I just hibernate until Spring?

I personally struggle with the seasons changing. I am still fine from Summer heading into Fall,  but as we fade into the darker, shorter days of the winter months, I feel this internal shift, this primal instinct in me as the leaves change colors.. dying off then falling to the ground where they will decay.. as they have done 36 times in my life span. 

I have noticed this much more in the last five years of searching for, attempting, then achieving sobriety. The more I recover, the clearer it becomes that it isn't as simple as "not liking cold, or the snow, or Holidays."  I can actually tolerate them all & have found the joy in each. To me, recovery is finally getting to work on my weaknesses. The areas that have historically taken me down, that seem to be compounded by the time November rolls around.

Is it because the Spring & Summer months are easy n' breezy for the most part? Not always, as this year and many others have seen their share of difficulties to be sure. Is it something as simple as being able to enjoy my chosen outdoor sport & hobby of Motocross during the warmer, longer days? Not exactly, as I have ridden year round or lived in places that are warm enough to ride all winter as well. I've still isolated during these times.

Hindsight is 20/20 and as I track my last decade I can clearly see my issues with this season. Arrests, Suicidal, homicidal, relapses, drinking binges & drug sprees, all of my worst character defects come out to play when the warmth of the sun dives lower into the Southern hemisphere, so this year I've made myself aware. With awareness comes choice, & though I have struggled, I have been able to choose to walk through it even as I don't fully understand why I feel this way. Why I have this internal clock going off telling me it's time to fuck things up?

Life is good right now. I have the most continuous length of sobriety I've ever achieved. While my outside world is not in some sort of self imposed crisis or in the chaos of scrambling back out of the hole I've dug myself into, my mind & body remember. They recall that this time of year is supposed to be crazy, wild, unmanageable, INSANE!] I am not supposed to be ok with anyone especially with myself.

I

Do I dread the scarcity.. of running out? Like with a drink & a drug, or of light & love?

Fall & Winter = scarcity / Spring & Summer = Abundance

Feeling like a dog that knows it is about to be hit, I cower with my tail between my legs at the sight of Old man winters cold hand raised in the air ... I KNOW it's coming.

Today is a perfectly fine day. The sun eventually rose, burning off the bite of Novembers first morning frost. Temps eventually climbed into what I still consider T-shirt & shorts weather. Why do I feel life's luster fading before my eyes in anticipation of cold, dead, winter? This realization has made me face the fact that I do not handle seasonal changes well at all.

If this were the same day in the Spring, same weather, same sun rise & sunset, I'd be excited. I'd be hopeful of what was to come, longer days in the sunshine. I would know things were on the upswing MORE, MORE, MORE!

But in the Fall.... I see the drain swirling, I see her suitcase is packed, I see the bottle is half empty, I seen the corner baggie is running out. I see LESS, LESS, LESS.

“Breathe. You're going to be okay. Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you've survived. Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you. They're painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass. Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade and when they do, you'll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience. I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again. This will pass. I promise it will pass.” 

—Daniell Koepke