Terminal Sickness

I don't often think about having a drink very anymore.. until today.
Some say old habits die hard... I believe they are then reincarnated into new ones. I still have the mindset to seek out excitement, the attention span of a fruit fly, the same time on my hands as there has always been. Now I try to spread it out somewhat evenly over multiple mindfully healthy activities. or I could focus ALL of my resources into doing the Hell out of one specific task.

It's Monday at 1:05 pm I've been in the Phoenix airport since 5 a.m. I am attempting to get back to Utah for the start of my work week. I am flying stand-by (can be stressful) I didn't make the cut onto the 6 am direct flight into Salt Lake city, where I would have landed at 7:30 in the morning, in time to grab coffee & breakfast while still making it in by 9 o'clock to open The Dirt Lab for business.

I didn't make the 8:30 am flight either (now I entering the stress zone) It is setting in that I am not making it to work on time, I have not been able to contact my employee on his scheduled day off to let him know that I'll be MIA, that I'll need him to hopefully open the shop.

I am not in control of the situation. I inhale deeply, then softly exhale out, pacing my breathing. I realize this, but it is proving difficult to accept as I scramble for other options before finally saying fuck it. This situation is what this situation is. Ultimately I've put myself in it.

Airports are like their own little universe, airplanes like their own little planets.. all of them allocated with booze & plenty strangers that to drink with. I spent a lot of years drinking like a sophisticated traveler in airports all over the continent, week in & week out. Much like having hoes in different area codes, who would even know? 

I'm not writing this to worry anyone close to my recovery who is reading, but by this point I have been considering pulling up a stool at one of the many Phoenix airport bars. A Tequila bar to be exact. Though its been a couple of years, I can still recall tasting the salt, shooting back the tequila, & sinking my teeth into the lime wedge.

I feel the chilled shot rush down my gullet, where upon hitting my empty stomach it turns into heat radiating from my belly... coursing through my veins out into my arms & legs ...   I crave it. Then another, and another..

I began to project how much time I had, then calculated how much money I had in my wallet, knowing I would have to pay for the experience in so many other painful ways.. ultimately I decided it wasn't quite worth it. Not today. 

I'm writing this because saying it out loud helps. Writing down my thought processes & thinking errors help. I'm saying this so I don't keep it in my head where this absurd thought can somehow be rationalized into an even more absurd action.

I repeated the serenity prayer over & over, I talked to another alcoholic on the phone. I found a quite area of an empty gate and laid down using my jacket as a pillow. I said the serenity prayer again.. I fell asleep.

I woke up and felt hunger rumble in my empty stomach. I found a new airport restaurant since I've last been through Phoenix called "Cowboy Ciao" I waited to be seated & since I was solo, I briefly pondered sitting at the bar.. not sure why it seems more socially acceptable to saunter on up to the bar like some kind of bad ass lead slinging outlaw, (as opposed to a quiet table for one.) but I opted for the latter.

My waitress arrived chipperly asking if I'd liked to start with one of their famously delicious Bloody Mary's or perhaps a mimosa? The thought ran through my head as I blurted out, "just coffee for me"!  Immediately feeling the relief in my answer. 

This occurrence of free will is a given for others, though in my world this is a break through to finally have the freedom of choice. Not long ago my answer to most any question was alcohol, drugs, or any mind altering substance. It has taken some recovery for me to figure out that almighty alcohol is not a solution, not the glue holding my life together, but rather a solvent eroding my life away.


The antithesis of no one ever knowing that I took a drink while stuck in the airport all day, is that my ego wants everyone to know that I was stuck in the airport all day and didn't take that first drink. Even though I thought about it, I now have the choice to say "Not This Day" so I wrote about it instead. You're Welcome.

I eventually made it home to Salt Lake City unscathed, the world didn't fall apart in my delayed absence, & I was able to walk through another of life's many obstacles sober. 
Though it would be nice to get a gold star by my name every time someone asks me if I'd like alcohol & I answer "No, thanks, just coffee for me." Like I was answering the winning question on Jeopardy or acing the SAT's....


 I'm going to have a talk with my sponsor about that one.