For the longest time I've felt awkward around emotions, much like being around members of the opposite sex. I felt I was better equipped at handling their presence with a few swigs of liquor or a couple tokes off of a joint. While this most likely never took away my clumsiness around women or displaying emotions, it gave me the false sense of comfort to separate from my separation anxiety / to temporarily detach from my attachment disorder.
Of course I didn't realize when I first began experimenting with drugs & alcohol that I carried these fears of connection around with me, as it has taken peeling off a few layers of the onion while shedding a few burning tears to discover the underlying matters.
I just knew when I felt different or strange in social situations & that taking a mind altering substance beforehand seemed to alleviate it. Or at least give me a really good excuse for acting strange & different..
When I first sought out addiction therapy & 12 step programs, I was hopeful for deliverance from the misery & horrors of my failed attempts of using for escape. I'd figuratively & almost literally reached the end of my rope. The handful of times I used toward the end I was immediately hurling myself into certain psychosis... the shadowy people & dark figurines surrounded me.. just like the emotions & sensations I thought I could negate, they too, had me fenced in.
Hello darkness, I feel you near...
Hello shadows, I see you coming...
I had been inviting them in for tea, I had gotten to know them all too well. . .
Calling the authorities in a panic on these demons I had willingly invited inside my domain didn't ever bode well, but after multiple visits to hospitals, institutions, & jail I was eventually able to get well.
Leaning into the discomfort is a new & challenging concept to me in this area of my recovery, but I find it so utterly necessary for my growth.
To leave the past & darkness where it lies was all I knew I wanted, but recovery has given me a new design for living. Beginning with surrendering, I can now accept the things I find undesirable, things that didn't quite go the way I thought they should for me.
If I strip it all away, I still have a thinking problem. always "Thinking, thinking...." Today I have the choice to notice my thoughts as just that. I can then identify them, label them good / bad / or neutral. I no longer have to be reactive to my thoughts, while noticing the underlying emotions behind them, & furthermore the initial sensations spawning the emotion.
I can then invite them all in.
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