Inverse Reasoning

I spent most of the night in search of desperately needed sleep, Ultimately, I ended up lying in bed tossing & turning in search of (what I deemed to be) desperately needed answers. My pursuit of either came up empty handed leaving me with more questions of "Why this? / Why not that? Why me? / Why not me?" than I could keep track of.  As the first signs of dawn began to soak through a thick layer of clouds, eerily spreading that soft, dim light of early Autumn daybreak.  As an addict in recovery I despise this feeling of impending doom more than the misery of abusing a substance itself. I should have been sleeping, not obsessing over things out of my control..

Life today is far different now for the most part. I have progressed to an awareness that sleep, relaxation, appetite, physical health, my mental well-being and deep connection with others are my most prized possessions. When any of these staples become sacrificed or inadequate in sobriety it instantly triggers feelings from my past of self neglect, self abuse, or just being completely devoid of self. When I am having an off day mentally or physically due to lack of self care now, it feels so much like being hungover from drugs & alcohol that I actually feel similar shame & guilt. I have to accept that this may always be the case for me...

Fighting an internal  battle day in & day out can wear on you, like waves constantly pounding upon the beach, crashing down over and over. Sometimes its low tide, leaving you exposed and vulnerable, sometimes the high tide is exhilarating yet overwhelming. The only thing you can be certain of is it will always be present, surely there shall be storms, just as there shall be calm sunny days, just as the tides of life shall constantly ebb & flow.. they never cease. 
"This too shall Pass"

Since I'm not living in G.I. Joe land, I don't consider myself the militant one, an operator, or that I possess special forces. ... I won't subscribe to the"Knowing is half the battle." mantra, or any other military-ism. 

Simply knowing something doesn't  always cultivate the kind of deeply inspired change necessary to progress. You can know a lot of things but still ignore the signs, warning labels, surgeon generals "suggestions" or that California "Knows" that almost everything causes cancer. Chances are that most of us continue on with the "Ignoring is bliss" mentality.

People that smoke know it is bad for them.

I knew for a long time that I was an alcoholic, but until I could accept my alcoholism... accept that I had lost my right to use or drink successfully to escape.. I couldn't change.



Just because I'm not a veteran of foreign wars, doesn't mean I don't have symptoms of PTSD, suffering many of the same horrors with the best of them..... as a warrior on the front lines of my recovery from a hopeless state of mind, body, and spirit.

You never turn your back on the ocean, you always keep an eye on those next set of waves forming, just like with the disease of addiction I have to be aware that it is always there, keeping and eye on it through a daily reprieve of working my program.

Then I have to accept that the waves of life on life's terms are never going to subside & I am never going to be the master of the tides. Nor shall I ever be in control of when, what, where, or fucking why a wave will come crashing down from over my head, pulling everything I had been planning on out to sea with the undertow.


I believe that half of the battle is awareness / while the other half is acceptance.

It is not up for me to understand or to figure it out.

It is only up for me to be aware & accept it.

To be on the victorious plane of serenity, I needed to accept that I could never win this conflict while mired within my own psyche. I stepped out of my comfort zone at the bottom, took a good hard look at myself, becoming aware of my underlying traumas. The ones I had previously thought I could just drink, use, or act out over, or run away from until they disappeared into the rearview mirror. I wasn't aware that with awareness comes choice. I believe in accepting the choice to change & seeking to live in the solutions instead of floundering in the problems.