Opened Letter

I feel so defeated & ashamed to be writing this, as I feel like I'm drowning & there is no way out. This is the end, you're better off without me....

Countless numbers of unsent letters are ripped up & thrown in the trash everyday around the globe.  Ones that never  get to be opened or read until its much to late. This statistic is not how I'd like my story to end, I suppose I would rather have you read this letter than to read my eulogy.

I haven’t felt at peace. I haven’t felt security, Not since you’ve known me.
Something is wrong & I've almost always felt it.. more concussions than I can count on both hands, trauma / ptsd, a predisposition to drugs & alcohol? I have had fleeting thoughts of taking the easy way out to escape this life. A life that feels blanketed by anxiety, pain, & depression. While I don’t consider my self suicidal in the conventional sense, I am a threat to myself caught in the addictive cycle of  guilt, shame, remorse, relapse & repeat which is in fact, committing slow suicide.

The people that I’ve let close to me are privy to the state of  things around me, but not so much inside of me, never knowing if today will be Dr. Jekyl or Mr. Hyde. Many others know that something just isn’t right with me, as most of the battles I fight are just beneath the surface. My insides do not match my outsides & recovery is an inside job. Just like I can’t work on my business while I’m constantly working in my business, I cannot work on my head space while I’m always in my head.

.....but hey, isn't  posting anything about how you really feel against social media policy?  For an anti-social person like myself, I tend to be alone in a room (pretend)ing) to portray the wins, the laughs, the smiles, the beautiful faces, & the good times. There are those to be sure, as I’ve experienced tremendous heights and opportunities in life, but something is very wrong when I contemplated working at McDonalds when they were demanding $15.00 an hour (not that there is anything wrong with working at McDonalds) because I've let a business suck my soul dry.

It seems I only know how to operate in the extreme ends of the spectrum, dwelling on the lowest of lows. Because of this I isolate, Because of this I don’t go out much or leave my work, because of this it’s hard for me to trust  people or the system (especially the health care system) because of this I find it difficult to feel that I have true close friends & only limited connections. I feel I've never stopped to smell the roses, I've always put my career & building my business reputation highest on the totem pole, neglecting my health & other responsibilities at the cost of having personal time with my loved ones. Someday thinking that I'll get ahead of the 8 ball, then I'll have the time and resources to live happily ever after. If weighed out, I'd say it's a very high price to pay vs. low reward.

I have been aware & have seen this coming for some time, thinking that if I just work harder, train more employees, that I'll eventually, have the time to focus on my health,  my relationships, my recovery.. but in my quest for greatness I've become severely burnt out. I’ve experienced sums of time and chunks of physical sobriety in recovery over the last 5 years, but mentally I feel it’s time that I get honest and consent to a rehab / treatment facility that specializes in dual diagnosis for my behavioral & mental health. I have to do this for myself first & foremost so I can be present for my daughter / best friend, my loving partner, my family & friends. (maybe even fall back in love with my dirt bike again!)

 I feel guilt and shame for letting so many people down. This is a very hard decision to make as it feels like I'm abandoning my life's work, my pride n' joy, my baby.. I sincerely appreciate everyone who has ever walked through my doors & supported my dreams of having a cool dirt bike shop.
I know I've pushed good people away, lost some customers & by posting this I risk losing more. I have a lot of wrongs to make right with people & feel this is the direction I need to go in order to do that.

I am dedicated to be able to continue, as my best days are yet to come. This is not the end as it will be a new beginning once these issues are sorted out.