Really, boundaries? But aren't those sort of like make believe rules or laws? Which sort of don't apply to me & are sort of made to be broken? There was a time not too long ago that my immediate answer would have been,"No thanks, not for me, not in this lifetime." I am a rebel, an outlaw, or at least a terminally unique individual, not one to conform to social norms.
I am sitting here alone (imagine that) inside of my head - pondering "Just why is it that I have such an issue with the concept of boundaries?" Why is it that I attach my own meaning to the actual practice & principles behind setting them, or even worse yet, OBEYING them? (yes even my own) I actually don't fully comprehend having boundaries set, holding to them & how they pertain to my own life. My life in recovery, my life in relationships, my life in business.
When I think of boundaries, I envision myself testing them, pushing them, bending them, questioning them, & ignoring them. After all...do they really even apply to me? My mind then recalls times in the past that I've felt en(forced) by them.
Example:
Might I of been the one who pushed some boundaries one cold January night as a K-9 police dog named Tex drug me through a yard by both hands while five police officers wrestled me into handcuffs after I laid in hiding from them motionless for what seemed like hours?
Yes.
I really don't have logical explanations, or hard evidence, of why my perception of boundaries has always meant someone was imposing one upon me. Ones that I most likely would have never chosen for myself. Since I don't like others making these unilateral decisions that affect my life, I believe it plays into my storyline that "everyone goes away in the end" or that "loving Jesse" is out of the question when others have formed protective boundary lines.
Times I know I should have obeyed boundaries, but didn't
The negative connotations of them echo loudly through my skull as I know full well the very next phrase goes a lot like :
"I can't see you anymore, I need to focus on myself or career, or any number of things that do not involve you anymore"
"I can't date you anymore, you don't have enough recovery time under your belt yet, but for what it's worth, I believe you have a lot of potential."
What I know I should know about boundaries
I am not sure if I think I'm above boundaries because I'm so cool, so extreme, so good looking, so charming, so terminally unique, to be bound by anything - people, places, things, idea, or philosophies.
... I have been through a bit of therapy & recovery to have had the phrase of establishing "healthy boundaries" thrown my way a time or two. It has been suggested to me that having my own boundaries would be a positive thing as well.
When I think of boundaries, I envision myself testing them, pushing them, bending them, questioning them, & ignoring them. After all...do they really even apply to me? My mind then recalls times in the past that I've felt en(forced) by them.
Example:
Might I of been the one who pushed some boundaries one cold January night as a K-9 police dog named Tex drug me through a yard by both hands while five police officers wrestled me into handcuffs after I laid in hiding from them motionless for what seemed like hours?
Yes.
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| this is real. |
Example:
Did I once consider a protective order being put in place the accustomed language used to communicate that my relationship with my daughters mother is probably not going to work out this one last time? Yes.
Example:
Have I chosen over & over to believe I could convince someone who had justifiable concerns of the direction we were heading to just stay in love with me?
To let it play out on blind faith without establishing clear expectations or set boundaries? To just stay in an intimate relationship with me, after they have decided to establish healthy boundaries that we are most likely not emotionally equipped to take on such a task at this point in our story lines?
Most definitely
Have I ignored my own boundaries in life? Have I relapsed, gotten into relationships too early, not given recovery my all?
What I know I am slowly learning about boundaries
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| this is also real |
Example:
Have I chosen over & over to believe I could convince someone who had justifiable concerns of the direction we were heading to just stay in love with me?
Most definitely
Have I ignored my own boundaries in life? Have I relapsed, gotten into relationships too early, not given recovery my all?
What I know I am slowly learning about boundaries
Has thinking I'm above boundaries landed me behind bars, hand cuffed in the backseats of cop cars, dog bites, ambulance, emergency rooms, restraining orders, blocked numbers, ignored calls?. Yeah, though I've made it through each and everyone of those mishaps.
This time I've maintained my sobriety, grabbed ahold of recovery & the 12 steps with all that I have... well, because that is really all I have. The one boundary I have set for myself is to not pick up, no matter what. It is hard to see the results of doing this work at times when you are as sick as me.
It feels so much like despair at times to deal with life's current events. The unfamiliar sensations of longing running their course through me. I have never been the type to stay in the moment when the moment fucking hurts, all the while knowing a temporary solution is out there by the name of sex, drugs, n' rock & roll that always deliver what it is they promise. "Head Change"
THIS.
"You cannot see the reasons now, it may be sometime before you begin to understand why... but if you walk through this... if you stay in each painful moment of growth,I promise you clarity, strength, & purpose on the other side."
I've been TOLD this, I've been HEARING this.... but for the first time in my LIFE I've actually been LISTENING to THIS. Mere suggestions from other people who have been through the same life scenarios & somehow didn't find the NEED to get loaded or escape these WHITE-HOT feelings that seem like they will KILL me if I linger with them a MOMENT longer.
This time I've maintained my sobriety, grabbed ahold of recovery & the 12 steps with all that I have... well, because that is really all I have. The one boundary I have set for myself is to not pick up, no matter what. It is hard to see the results of doing this work at times when you are as sick as me.
It feels so much like despair at times to deal with life's current events. The unfamiliar sensations of longing running their course through me. I have never been the type to stay in the moment when the moment fucking hurts, all the while knowing a temporary solution is out there by the name of sex, drugs, n' rock & roll that always deliver what it is they promise. "Head Change"
THIS.
"You cannot see the reasons now, it may be sometime before you begin to understand why... but if you walk through this... if you stay in each painful moment of growth,I promise you clarity, strength, & purpose on the other side."
I've been TOLD this, I've been HEARING this.... but for the first time in my LIFE I've actually been LISTENING to THIS. Mere suggestions from other people who have been through the same life scenarios & somehow didn't find the NEED to get loaded or escape these WHITE-HOT feelings that seem like they will KILL me if I linger with them a MOMENT longer.
The problem with my boundaries are they intertwine right along with my expectations of others. Do you think others even know that I know I even have them? I thought I knew that others should know that I have boundaries & expectations of them respecting them.. but now I know they don't know.
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