How does one delineate the character of a man? It's quite simple to outline his motionless body posthumously in chalk after he has repeatedly fallen to bottomless depths. Though it may be more difficult an attempt to trace his rising wings as he soars to unexplored heights.Is it a part of our human frailty to spotlight the negative or objectionable traits of our fellows over their positive attributes? I feel that I am quite guilty of this exact stance. Although, I am attempting to work through it with gratitude for each & every individual who has brought me joy, taught me invaluable lessons, or just stayed by my side as my circle becomes smaller & smaller.
I think at times I may be difficult to define, or to put your finger on. If we break it down on paper I might look like this:
- I'm a dad of a 4 year old daughter.
- I'm a dad of a 4 year old daughter & I carry an incurable disease that will never die.
- I'm a dad of a 4 year old daughter, I carry an incurable disease that will never die, though it can be kept in remission through a rigorous program of recovery.
I
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| "You either win or you learn" ~ my sponsor |
"I've done all this intricate therapy on trauma, abuse, addiction, & relationships. I've done intensive out-patient, EMDR, weekly group therapy, 12 step meetings.... so many fucking 12 step meetings. I've even reconnected with my inner-child, discovered why my protective addict appears out of thin air to solve any & all problems I may face, and have delved into my functional self."
My foolish pride & raging ego have the perception that I am the best option out there, no matter the reality of the situation at hand.
Indispensable & irreplaceable.
I had other ideas. I planned that by exposing my depth & subsequent layers that I would be seen in 3-D, as a real man with character of worth. Worthy of staying with no matter the cost of future plans or present feelings.
"I was judging myself by the depths of my intentions, while the rest of the world judges me by the shallowness of my actions" ~ me
We've all heard of, known of, or experienced first hand the disheartening stories about that same kind of person who
I will give it away freely "IN the name of one more hit." every fucking time.
"If there may be qualities you admire in me now, traits
that you have been able to find desirable or attractive in
me , it is directly due to the fact that I am a dad, with
a daughter, with an incurable disease that will never die, that can be kept in remission by practicing the principles I have learned in recovery in all of my daily affairs.'
that you have been able to find desirable or attractive in
me , it is directly due to the fact that I am a dad, with
a daughter, with an incurable disease that will never die, that can be kept in remission by practicing the principles I have learned in recovery in all of my daily affairs.'
"I had planned that by exposing my depth & subsequent layers that I would be seen in 3-D, as a real man with character of worth." I see real worth, EVERY TIME I read your posts! Your past does not define you. Live now, live in the present...NOW, is all there is, past and future are just that and nothing you can control or DO anything about! You are worthy!
ReplyDeleteJesse 325 days :) :) I'm so proud of you! You know I'm crazy about everything you write! You are a dad of a 4 year old girl and yes you have a disease but you are so so so much more!
ReplyDelete