Dream On / Dream Off.

I awoke this morning in a panic.. I quickly grabbed my phone and scrolled through my call log. Nothing. . .  a warm relief started washing over me. I looked around, gatherering my bearings. I saw that my alarm had not gone off yet. I wasn't late for work. I didn't spend my rent & grocery money. I didn't let my family down. I didn't abandon my daughter by choosing drugs over being with her.  I didn't have to feel the shame and regret of it all. But in my dream I did...

 I thought I fucked it all up, I thought I threw away 4 1/2 months of continuous sobriety. What I thought, was that I called my drug dealer and relapsed like I did in the past & in the messed up dream that I just woke up from. I was in a state of fear and panic, scared that all it would take is one momentary lapse of reason to slip up and throw away my progress.

Then I realized that is all it takes. I am always just one wrong thought away of staring at the business end of a crack pipe, or sticking a straw in my nose or heaven forbid a actual needle in my vein. . . It really is that easy to go back out there. Misery, despair, and the dope man are out there lurking in the shadows. Like I have said before, my disease is in the parking lot doing push ups and getting stronger. I have to stay that much more focused & in shape physically, mentally, and spiritually to beat it. I can't be content, or lackadaisical in my recovery.

I had a good day after realizing I had actually been blessed by my higher power to have had a sober night (allowing me to dream), and sober day. It made me realize I need to take it as a warning sign to get off my ass and keep moving, don't stop, don't settle. The life I want and know I can have is out there if I stay sober. The life my addiction wants to trick me into believing won't happen to me if "I just call the dealer and get a few pills or gram of this or a pinch of that mind altering substance." is also out there, waiting for me to slip up a make that call, drive to that house, put that shit in my body, dig that bottom deeper.... It didn't get me today, and with that I hit my knees and pray for another 24.



  "You can be a slave to your addiction, or you can be a warrior in your recovery" - Jesse D.