Icarus Effect

I have learned more about myself in 9 months of recovery than I ever imagined possible. Taking a good hard look at myself is exactly what the phrase implies. It is hard, and most likely why I have put it off for so long. I have gained a lot,  ok, some insight on the 33 some odd years that have led me to here. Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose? How will the rest of my life go now?

I am an overachiever. I got here by excessiveness. . . mostly.

I over-think, over-analyze, over-want, over-drink, over-work, over-step boundaries, over-do it, over-screw it, over-eat, over-care what the fuck you think, over-ride, over-fall in love, over-extend, over-stress, over-run, over-hide, over- seek, over-want, over-take, over-used...

Most of these qualities have not served me well, and I am doing my best to address them. I have felt this  internal pressure my whole life to strive and succeed. But looking back, it has always been to fulfill my own selfish needs and desires. I was stubborn, if I wanted something, I would not give up until I accomplished it. I wanted to impress you, I wanted you to be proud of me, and if I percieved that you weren't... then I really over-wanted it more.



At a very early age, I became a self taught gymnast.. w.t.a.f. (what the actual fuck) is a self taught gymnast you ask? Well, that is me watching the Olympic gymnasts and trying what they were doing on TV until I could do it. My mom tells a story where I was first learning to do headstands at 5-6 yrs old and would try & try and cry if I couldn't do it out of frustration until I perfected it and then moved on to hand stands, front hand springs, etc.

At first these were admirable traits as a young kid, as I excelled in anything that piqued my interest. Soccer, track n field, fishing, football, BMX racing and finally Motocross. I was highly competitive... mostly with myself.  When I hit my early teens I became excessively good at things I thought were deemed as normal teenage things by the 80's and early 90's standards I was raised in. Namely sex, drugs, and rock n' roll.  by my mid to late 20's, I became the best womanizer (a.k.a. man-whore), the best alcoholic (who was super fun mind you), and a really good, well rounded, functioning cocaine addict. Yes... that was sarcastic.

Somehow in the midst of my excess, in between the binges, the week long runs, or during moments of clarity I would achieve real success. I am not listing these accomplishments to be boastful, just to show that my character defect can go to both extremes. You know, I am realizing that I am afraid of my own potential. The saying is that what goes up must come down, and if there is one thing I have learned from being an addict is that I hate to come down. It is the Icarus myth in the back of my head, that if I soar to great heights in life( as I should) that I will ultimately come crashing down. I self sabotage my own relationships, my own success, my own happiness. I need to start owning up to that shit.
I am seeing it now, and I am working to correct it.

 I went to trade school and graduated top of my class....

I had success in my chosen field on a professional race team for many years...

I started a business from the ground up and somehow still have it today...

But my all time greatest accomplishment, and something I can be proud to say I am an overachiever at, is being a dad to this precious little girl.

And I never plan to let her down.