"If you could have any person in the world put your life back together, to pick up the pieces and arrange them how you see fit, who would that person be?"
As a person in general it's tempting to blame the cause of your problems onto other people or circumstance. In an Alcoholic and/or addicts brain blaming everything but yourself is considered S.O.P. "If you had my life you would use (fill in the substance) too. If you had my (fill in the problem) worries you would check out of reality too. If you had experienced my (fill in the negative adjective) upbringing, then you would seek escape and live a double life too."
''If you had my life, my problems, my struggles and proceeded to accumulate compound interest on them by abusing drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.. etc.., going spiritually, emotionally, and financially bankrupt you would think that eating a gun was a solution when the other solutions stopped working too!" .... Projection much? Dissolusioned slightly?
I would venture to say that as infants we relied on our parents to make everything better & safe in our bright, new, and shiny world. Then as adolescents most of us blamed all our seemingly serious issues of the day back onto our parents as the worlds luster began to fade.
Once we figured out that when we liked someone, and they in turn liked us back, we felt validation & appreciation. Which in turn boosted our self-worth and ego. I suspect that many of us starting relying on outside relationships to build up our world and self esteem at an early age. What happens when that relationship fails? It couldn't be our own fault... we are fucking awesome.
Once again the blame is usually swayed away from us and onto our former partners. This cycle was repeated into my adult dating life. But I longed to leave the uncertainty of dating behind me, to have something concrete and stable. I wanted to build an empire out of rubble, so when I met the girl of my dreams who would undoubtedly make me feel complete, I married her at 23. After all, I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. Marriage is permanent. Marriage is a binding fucking contract of foreverness.
I was divorced at 25... I was alone in a state I didn't want to be in, lost in a state of fear I didn't think I signed up for when I said "I do", left as a statistic in a category that I didn't want to fall into after signing the divorce decree. It certainly wasn't my fault. I was actually sober during my marriage. I didn't even show up to my own bachelor party. (Out of fear of what I would do to screw up my soon to be perfect union) This fact alone should prove it couldn't have been anything this addict did.
I would spend the next decade trying to live in the bachelor party I had thought I missed out on, the one I thought I should have went to and done massive rails of blow off of strippers naked bodies. I was living lost and full of fear, seeking escape from being alone with relationships I wasn't present for, not caring to much if they failed as I was quite certain that they would.
I started recently thinking that it could be something to do with my behaviors, my selfish way of thinking, and I actually am at fault. I am the common denominator of every relationship I have participated in. I blamed everything else when things didn't go my way or to plan. I had so much selfish pride mixed with an ego that was not my amigo... I am quick to take credit when good things happen to me or even around me. If the sun is shining, I probably had a hand in it.
On the flip side if a storm rolls through and rains on your parade I had nothing to do with that horse shit.
Until I accept myself as the problem or the cause of the problems I am facing, I am not able to live in the solution. I am blocked from it. I cannot solve the equation until I except my own value in the problem.
I love it! It's amazing and so true.
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