Not Going out Today.

Not on this Fucking day. This is not that fucking day what so ever. This is not that fucking day that I listen to the voice say that it will somehow be different this time getting loaded on drugs and alcohol. That this time will bring guaranteed relief instead of inevitable misery.

I think it's fucked up how I'm still fucked up. It's this tug of war between what is comfortable, and what I really want out of life. I really want clarity, security and freedom from living in fear of being me.

Everyday sober day is a a day further away from living in active alcoholism/addiction. Which is a amazing feat, an amazing accomplishment, but on the flip side of the sobriety coin, everyday sober is another day this disease has a reason to say that things are good now... you would be OK drinking a beer.. smoking some weed. Just kick back and relax. Think of the good times, not the breakups.

What we alcholics and addicts have is a perceptual problem. I am a victim of the world and everyone in it. You were always the problem, never me, always you. I have been hearing it said and explained to me that through hard work and a long road of recovery that eventually I will come to the realization that "You can't hurt me. Only I can hurt myself."

Everything out there.... everything outside of the space between our ears is just noise and movement. It is our own choice to see what happens within that movement and what we hear within that noise. Only then can we process if it is good or bad, if it is Heaven or Hell.

We are not bad people getting good, we are not stupid people getting smart, we are sick people getting well.