Past Tense

"Shoulda been, coulda been, woulda been dead if I didn't get the message going to my head." ~ Anthony Kiedis

 We have here an elision field. Elide, rooted in the Latin for "to strike out," means "to omit"; in speech, an elision is the omission of letters and sounds to produce compressions like don't and couldn't, or as the would-be boxer played by Marlon Brando in "On the Waterfront" said, "I coulda been a contender." paraphrased from ON LANGUAGE; Shoulda-Coulda-Woulda By William Safire

I've said it before... probably many times in my racing career, I coulda jumped that obstacle, I shoulda made that pass on the last lap, I woulda won the fucking race. But more often than not I just didn't.

I'm also certain I've muttered it under my breathe to others who have claimed reasons for not doing.. for living in the past. If I had a time machine, I'd probably use it like a vacuum and try to clean. Un-blemish all my coulda, shoulda, wouldas that I somehow think are worth changing, holding onto, or hoping they had turned out differently.

I believe that is defined as regret, which as a human being seems to plague us all at one point or another. As an alcoholic we really don't like to feel regret from our mistakes or poor choices made while inebriated. But it sure was nice to have the excuse. 

 I daringly propose that in sobriety the intense thoughts of regret can be unequivocally brutal. They can be deep enough to take you back out or strong enough to arouse the spark of progress. I meditate (practice) upon waking every morning to remove the insanity of altering the past to suit me better. The way it would be if I was running the show in former or current personal relationships, with my family, friends, customers, business, & even future opportunities.

I long to understand how not to become that old man, tinkering alone in my workshop. Formulating ways to fix the past, while staring at a long list of heartaches. Waiting for the ones I wished I had spent more time with to visit me. Yearning that in my former days I had been more honest to others & myself. That I hadn't been so quick to judge others & had forgiven more often.

I am striving to live life on life's terms, to realize (also practicing) that what others think of me is none of my Goddamn business, live each day to the fullest, gravitating towards what really matters most. Resisting the urge to escape into my work, spending my time building an empire, just to sit on a single throne at the end of my days. 

How can I instead pursue a mentally intimate connection that last a life time? I have to start by facing my fears head on before they grow into six headed behemoths. Staying in the present, not dwelling on the past, nor worrying about the future. One day at a time of not reacting & gas-lighting so that shit blows up in my face...

This is the daily undertaking for me, though I begin everyday turning over my will to a higher power of my own understanding, asking  for guidance & acceptance. I relinquish my (false) sense of control, instead offering to surrender it along my insecurities, fears, regrets, self-centeredness, jealousy, morbid reflections, & self seeking ways.

I am becoming aware this is quite the feat for any mortal man or woman. I have not accomplished a single day perfectly... though awareness is more than half of the battle.