The Mechanicus Dilemma

As a man attempting to tame the machine, is life coming for me, or am I coming for it? Control is a fucking illusion, so why try to sway the outcome of anything you do or create? I currently practice surrendering my will to a higher power, but I struggle as to what ends. Lately I have felt removed from whats real or what I thought matters... a mental state of being I can't quite rely on, a vague recollection of not fitting in.

Suppose instead that I could engineer this life the way I see fit? Controlling & manipulating how I feel the way it ought to run, like a well built engine, timed & synchronized in perfect harmony.

 Could I set up a chassis that would flawlessly handle what this life has in store for me? Did I correctly measure the geometry, camber, rake & trail? Will it have that perfectly balanced feel, the correct attitude to maneuver the course, agile through life's twists & turns? Have I manufactured an instrument that absorbs the lowest bottoms & will rebound before the next set of seemingly endless obstacles appear on the horizon?

It takes me back. Back to the way I felt before I ever drank alcohol,  used a substance, or fucked....

I remember feeling disconnected (until I started doing one or ALL 3 of the aforementioned things) How deep can this feeling run? Am I supposed to re-process & let myself feel what I blocked out by escaping for decades? I developed these coping mechanisms as an early teenager. They always worked as promised, delivering me the ability to have a gratifying departure from day to day stresses, trials, & tribulations.


Just as I initially held pride in the fact that I was a functional alcoholic for years (I put the FUN in functional alcholism) I have also been a self proclaimed workaholic in my chosen field, and if I delve further down, deep inside it's ultimately because I'm a fixaholic. Upon further thought and awareness of such a thing, it's begun to turn my whole world upside down. 

You see, I am a professional technician, a motorcycle mechanic. At face value I'm some guy that has taken a passion & need to fix my own bike, into formal technical training, into a career field, into the professional racing circuit, into my own business that is flourishing.

That should (and has always) seemed really fucking cool to most people I've met.

I'd love nothing more to exude a profound equanimity surrounding how I feel about my career, the people who pass through my doors. That I could remain in a neutral emotional state when someone doesn't appreciate my work.  I wish I were not affected so greatly by peoples opinions, my self worth framed by validation of who loves or hates my mechanical prowess.. I have a fairly high satisfaction rate I'd say, but 9 people could be tickled pink with my work & the 1 person who says it's garbage gains all my attention, my emotional rage is directed at that one issue & on how to fix it until I have 100% satisfaction.

A very close & intimate friend has told me a mantra that reverberates at times when I can't fathom the thought of someones disapproval.. She states "I'm not for everyone, and everyone is not for me." Going on to explain that this is just the way it should be, that this is fine.

I consider my services, my artistry as an extension of myself allowing me to express who I am. Most great artists are  unnoticed & unappreciated until after there mortal lives have passed by...

  
Just yesterday driving home in the van, my 4 yr old daughter turns to me and exclaims, "Dad, I'm proud of you.... because you can fix everything!" It really made my day, also caught me off guard that a kid would say such a thing (she was referring to being able to fix machines for a living) and that a girl thinks that her dad is really cool.

On the other end of the spectrum, I immediately thought to myself : "I can fix mechanical things with the best of them, but I can't even figure out how to fix myself or my own damaged relationships"

That is really my one true wish.. I can be known as the bike whisperer, but I crave real human interactions & connection. To be a part of a deep & meaningful conversation.

I realize that has to start inside of me. 



"Practicing recovery doesn't remove the rocks from the path you are traveling, but doing the work gives you better springs for your wagon." ~ ancient Alcoholic Proverb