Explore this.

And then all these feelings started... I don't know if I am doing this thing right. It feels strange, sometimes surreal as the reality of becoming sober is mixing with the reality that I wasn't sober for so much of my life. I won't sit here and say that re-learning life in your 30's as a single dad, business owner / operator, friend, son, racer, dreamer is necessarily hard to do... just different. All the emotions I had been swallowing whole after coating them with drugs, and chasing them with a bottle Patron, have decided they want to be regurgitated back onto my plate. Then analyzed, studied, poked and prodded then maybe I can properly chew them up, making sure to feel every texture and savor every taste. 

I am entering uncharted territory, I am exploring a new planet which pretty much resembles the planet I had been floating around on while getting loaded for 18 years, but somehow different. Similar climate, seasons, days and nights, moon and sun, the same gravitational pull, air to breathe and water to drink, etc. But on this planet, I am not doing every susbstance under the Sun to try and fly over the Moon. I am not fighting everything & everybody to be in control, I am surrending to the possibilty that I might not be a God or supreme being, that I might be as equally lost as you and every other person here. I am open to suggestions and to a power greater than me. I am willing to try things a different way, because I haven't reached my potential doing things my way. But I did reach a ceiling, and when I couldn't rise above it, I would end up hitting the bottom time after time. 

This is my second 90 day + stint of Sobriety in 6 months and a week or so. If you like to do math, then you can see that it didn't take me long to figure out when I relapsed that it was a bad choice. I dug my bottom a little deeper, ruined relationships a little (or a lot) more, lost time with my daughter. So, I called my sponsor and dove back into the program more willing than ever. And with that, I will take another 24.