Stand your ground! Be a man! Fight to the death! This is 'Merica God Damn it, land of the free, and home of the brave. We do not negotiate with terrorists. We do not obey threats. We fucking Nuke people for breakfast ... or just whole countries with people in it anyways. War and the fact that we are number fuckin ONE have been glorified throughout our countries history.
At least that is what I think I picked up from History class, the History channel, and the John Wayne movie marathons I watched as a kid. Or perhaps it's a republican thing.. not backing down or giving in to the democrats in congress even if the changes could be better or maybe a step in the right direction. Don't even get started trying to think this is another liberal anti-war, or ReplubliCON rant. It AIN'T.
I really do have a point I am getting to. Because I happen to be fighting the fight of my life right now. I am waging a war against a disease that doesn't fight fair. It leaves me feeling quite cynical about having things like trust, faith, and courage. That doing things a different way other than my own will ever matter. That doing good will prevail over evil in anyway.
This disease I speak of is addiction / alcoholism. I was born onto a battlefield and sent to the front lines of a fight I didn't know or understand I was even in. Not until I got lost deep into the core of it. And you just can't expect to turn around and walk out of a jungle you have been wandering into for 18 yrs now can you?
I am angry. I am pissed off. I want to bomb and Nuke shit. But I am learning not hit the red button . Learning that my first thought is wrong. My addict brain is broken... I keep hearing from old timers that this is the only disease you can actually beat by surrendering. That however, is not the American way, and is probably why this great country has a great drug, alcohol, and mental health problem.
I can now recognize myself feeling crazy when I try to battle everything & everyone because I want to be right or in control. Even when I feel justified and I have my evidence & present my case / argument logically in my head.. It still doesn't get me where I need to go. It puts me living in fear, building up resentments and reasons why it would be ok to drink away the worries of my day. I am choosing to surrender today. And not in a French pansy way.. but in a turn my other cheek manly way.
Today I cease to fight anything or anyone, including myself, and it brings me peace.
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