EELS - Mistakes Of My Youth

Fox in Socks

Foals - Late Night (official video)

Affected

I have not written much lately (at least not on this blog) as I am smack in the middle of my 4th step of my 12 steps of recovery. For those not familar with the process, just as I sure the Hell wasn't a year ago, it involves "A Fearless and Searching Moral Inventory" of ones self. 

And for those of you who know me at all, I was / am one sick puppy. While I have been fearfully searching for most of my life, I really only found outside sources of fleeting happiness. Mostly through temporary relationships while grasping for momentary relief in substance & drink. Which I can realize now that is exactly what I did. When I was down in it, my addiction fooled me into thinking there was permeance, or at least the hope in my failed relationships / attempts at using with success. I thought each one would be the solution to lifes problems. 

Until I was able to put some time & distance between a relationship, a bottle of whiskey, and schedule 1 stimulant of some sort.. I didn't realize that my inner most problems & issues were exactly that. Internal. It takes a lot of willingness to do some serious work and look at your insides before anything outside is effected in a different way. 

For what it's worth, I have never partaken in Bath Salts... 

I will leave you with that, but I would also like to recycle a post from last April, which most of still applies. Except this year.... my outlook is changing. I suppose I am not living in quite as much fear... not sitting in quite as much resentment. While that is by no means perfection, it is a lot of progress over where I was a year ago and every other April since I was 15.

Death and Taxes. posted April 2013

Two  Three years ago this week I wrote a post aptly titled "The Wizard" during a time when I had to face some of lifes harder choices.... should I stay or should I go? Should I try to attempt an implausable feat?

It was April 2011 and I was uprooting my career, my friends, a business partnership, and my familiar day to day life, seemingly at the drop of a hat to try and start a new life. I searched for some form of guidance or a sign. Though when faced with uncertainty of whats next to come, I always find myself asking, "What would my big brother do?" This approach has led me to a rather interesting life, but a full and satisfying one.

April has easily won the title of "My least favorite of the 12 months." contest for 17 years running. And this April is really not getting any easier.  I use to dread it and try to hide, maybe sometimes I still approach it that way.

What's April deal anyway? I mean, it starts off with a practical joke holiday, "April Fools day" the very 1st thing. Welcome to the party... what are you? In 8th grade still? Then, right smack in the middle of April is Tax day.... Super funny. But April to me will always be the anniversary of a period of time when my brother Elias and I hung out and got along, it was a fleeting moment, as he passed way before his time on April 27th 1996.

I took the way he lived his life and especially his last days as my guiding light. 2 yrs  3 yrs ago I did drop everything and moved to Utah. I didn't know at the time, but the new life I would be starting was that of our daughter Rosaline Jean Black. I see a lot of her Uncle Elias in not only her appearance, but her personality and mannerisms. Most people would say they are mine, but where do you think I learned them from?

This ones for you Eli

"In Memory of your Uncle Elias Black"

A few other reasons April is the shittiest Month. And if your wondering what month came runner up in "My least favorite of the 12 months." contest? the next in the alphabet... August.

15 Historic Events That Prove April Is The Worst Month Ever

Start of The Civil War: April 12th 1861

Abraham Lincoln Shot: April 14th 1865

Hitler Born: April 20th 1889

San Francisco Earthquake: April 18th 1906

Titanic Sinks: April 15th 1912

Failed Bay of Pigs Invasion: April 20th 1961

Martin Luther King Jr. Assassinated: April 4th 1968

Chernobyl: April 26th 1986

Start of Bosnian War: April 4th 1992

Waco: April 19th 1993

Kurt Cobain Suicide: April 5th 1994

Oklahoma City Bombing: April 19th 1995

Columbine: April 20th 1999

Virginia Tech Shooting: April 16th 2007

BP Oil Spill Disaster: April 20th 2010

Gathering in the Head.

I was recently presented a entertaining list of reasons to be committed into an Insane asylum during the 1800's.. hunnids, hunnids. While I had to laugh, I also had to realize I would be eligible for life without parole, but hey, better than being burned at the stake. Right?

One reason on the list hit me in particular... (the rest were just humorous) as it stated "Gathering in the Head" As an addict, one might start thinking of gathering in the bathroom around an 8 ball of blow or getting fellated by a transexual hooker... or is that just what I think?

 In all seriousness, I tried to google the definition, and came up almost empty handed, but not empty headed. No one really seemed to no what it meant, but found some mumblings about evil spirits, demons, etc. It makes perfect sense to me as the God and the Devil are raging inside my head on a constant basis.

I have decided to come up with my own definition as it pertains to addicts / alcoholics.

Addikipedia definition : Gathering in the head - letting your fears, resentments, failures, regrets, etc gather in your fucking head till all you can hear is their constant noise, chatter, and hum & shrieks of their background noise.

Much like the annoying college age girls that live upstairs having a house party all night long while you are trying to sleep because you are a responsible adult and work a 9 ish to 5 ish job. Sometimes...

I don't know about you, but when I can't sleep due to outside induced noises I want to flip a switch and go on a violent rampage until that noise is dead... which may just land you in a insane asylum in this day and age. You wouldn't rent a room in your house to those loud, disrespectful bitches so why would you rent space to them in your own head? Let alone permit them to gather there?..

Ass to seat, pen to paper, head to heart.

I have been told, I have been learning, I have been open to the suggestion, that the only way to get rid of the gathering in my head is to get out those fears, resentments, regrets, failures, etc on paper, to address them properly, to drop the weight of the world I have been carrying around, trying to lessen the gravity of it all by floating in a cocktail or baggie of mind altering substances.

You would think I would be stronger from carrying this weight..

This is almost two years old that I recently found..

Shit's deep...


Let the un-gathering in my head begin.

In the mean time, take this self test for asylum commital....

Dream On / Dream Off.

I awoke this morning in a panic.. I quickly grabbed my phone and scrolled through my call log. Nothing. . .  a warm relief started washing over me. I looked around, gatherering my bearings. I saw that my alarm had not gone off yet. I wasn't late for work. I didn't spend my rent & grocery money. I didn't let my family down. I didn't abandon my daughter by choosing drugs over being with her.  I didn't have to feel the shame and regret of it all. But in my dream I did...

 I thought I fucked it all up, I thought I threw away 4 1/2 months of continuous sobriety. What I thought, was that I called my drug dealer and relapsed like I did in the past & in the messed up dream that I just woke up from. I was in a state of fear and panic, scared that all it would take is one momentary lapse of reason to slip up and throw away my progress.

Then I realized that is all it takes. I am always just one wrong thought away of staring at the business end of a crack pipe, or sticking a straw in my nose or heaven forbid a actual needle in my vein. . . It really is that easy to go back out there. Misery, despair, and the dope man are out there lurking in the shadows. Like I have said before, my disease is in the parking lot doing push ups and getting stronger. I have to stay that much more focused & in shape physically, mentally, and spiritually to beat it. I can't be content, or lackadaisical in my recovery.

I had a good day after realizing I had actually been blessed by my higher power to have had a sober night (allowing me to dream), and sober day. It made me realize I need to take it as a warning sign to get off my ass and keep moving, don't stop, don't settle. The life I want and know I can have is out there if I stay sober. The life my addiction wants to trick me into believing won't happen to me if "I just call the dealer and get a few pills or gram of this or a pinch of that mind altering substance." is also out there, waiting for me to slip up a make that call, drive to that house, put that shit in my body, dig that bottom deeper.... It didn't get me today, and with that I hit my knees and pray for another 24.



  "You can be a slave to your addiction, or you can be a warrior in your recovery" - Jesse D.

Icarus Effect

I have learned more about myself in 9 months of recovery than I ever imagined possible. Taking a good hard look at myself is exactly what the phrase implies. It is hard, and most likely why I have put it off for so long. I have gained a lot,  ok, some insight on the 33 some odd years that have led me to here. Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose? How will the rest of my life go now?

I am an overachiever. I got here by excessiveness. . . mostly.

I over-think, over-analyze, over-want, over-drink, over-work, over-step boundaries, over-do it, over-screw it, over-eat, over-care what the fuck you think, over-ride, over-fall in love, over-extend, over-stress, over-run, over-hide, over- seek, over-want, over-take, over-used...

Most of these qualities have not served me well, and I am doing my best to address them. I have felt this  internal pressure my whole life to strive and succeed. But looking back, it has always been to fulfill my own selfish needs and desires. I was stubborn, if I wanted something, I would not give up until I accomplished it. I wanted to impress you, I wanted you to be proud of me, and if I percieved that you weren't... then I really over-wanted it more.



At a very early age, I became a self taught gymnast.. w.t.a.f. (what the actual fuck) is a self taught gymnast you ask? Well, that is me watching the Olympic gymnasts and trying what they were doing on TV until I could do it. My mom tells a story where I was first learning to do headstands at 5-6 yrs old and would try & try and cry if I couldn't do it out of frustration until I perfected it and then moved on to hand stands, front hand springs, etc.

At first these were admirable traits as a young kid, as I excelled in anything that piqued my interest. Soccer, track n field, fishing, football, BMX racing and finally Motocross. I was highly competitive... mostly with myself.  When I hit my early teens I became excessively good at things I thought were deemed as normal teenage things by the 80's and early 90's standards I was raised in. Namely sex, drugs, and rock n' roll.  by my mid to late 20's, I became the best womanizer (a.k.a. man-whore), the best alcoholic (who was super fun mind you), and a really good, well rounded, functioning cocaine addict. Yes... that was sarcastic.

Somehow in the midst of my excess, in between the binges, the week long runs, or during moments of clarity I would achieve real success. I am not listing these accomplishments to be boastful, just to show that my character defect can go to both extremes. You know, I am realizing that I am afraid of my own potential. The saying is that what goes up must come down, and if there is one thing I have learned from being an addict is that I hate to come down. It is the Icarus myth in the back of my head, that if I soar to great heights in life( as I should) that I will ultimately come crashing down. I self sabotage my own relationships, my own success, my own happiness. I need to start owning up to that shit.
I am seeing it now, and I am working to correct it.

 I went to trade school and graduated top of my class....

I had success in my chosen field on a professional race team for many years...

I started a business from the ground up and somehow still have it today...

But my all time greatest accomplishment, and something I can be proud to say I am an overachiever at, is being a dad to this precious little girl.

And I never plan to let her down.